It seems that I've found myself a boyfriend. After being alone for almost ten years, with spurts of "relationships" (put into quotes, because after the shit I was put through, I can now look back at them, and realize that what those were, were NOT relationships), it seems that I have found someone. Or more like HE found ME.
He is no stranger to me, for the most part. I met him many years ago, in the Realms, as someone named Lavender. I didn't get to know him in game very well, but I do remember talking with him from time to time, and gained a few monkeys from him (I won't get into that now). But he didn't really play for very long, and I never had a chance to really converse with him outside of events. But as it turned out, he and I have several friends in common. So we'd comment on the same people's statuses on Facebook, and would talk from time to time on FB Messenger, giving each other a hard time. Then last spring, I got down to the Steampunk City event in Waltham, MA, and FINALLY bought myself a new corset, which was exactly the same one I'd bought the last time. But I hadn't had an opportunity to wear it. Skip ahead several weeks, and one Saturday, he and I are chatting, going on about things and nothing, and we got on to talking about Goth clubs and whatnot. We'd realized that Jaded was that evening. I hadn't been to a Jaded event, since my old corset was out of commission, and if I was to go, I wanted to look appropriate. Dressing merely in all black would not suffice, so I hadn't gone. But now, I had a brandy-new corset. He hadn't been to a Jaded event, either. So he asked if I'd want to go. I said sure! He offered to help me with my corset, and offered to come up to Manchester to pick me up. I declined the ride, since it seemed silly for him to come all the way up here to get me, and Jaded was down in Lowell, where he was, and said it just made more sense if I headed down to his place instead. He asked how long I could stay out, and I told him that as long as I made it to Jack's birthday party the next morning, it'd be no biggie if I was out all night. He then says, "So, not all that late then," and I reiterated what I'd said. We finally exchanged phone numbers, I got his address, and went to get ready. Holy hell, I had a date!! An honest-to-goodness DATE!!
I was so excited about actually going on a date, that I was actually scared for a little bit. It felt foreign. I couldn't remember the last time I had been on an actual date. I figured that the last time I'd been on one, it was before I was with Teresa. So a very long time indeed.
So I get myself as ready as I could, sans corset. I threw a few things in a bag and headed down to his place. Once there, we got to talking, my nervousness hopefully not TOO obvious (I'd even told him that when I'm nervous, I tend to babble. He laughed.). After about an hour and a half of talking, we FINALLY finished getting ready and headed out. Jaded was pretty good. Saw a few familiar faces (always good!!), and had some laughs. It was the first time I can remember that I was attracting attention because of something OTHER than the cleavage my corset had created (my blinky hair falls got more attention!!). At some point during the evening, he admitted he was interested in me. It was all I could do to not look all around, to see if someone was standing behind me, and go "Me? Wait...ME?? You sure you mean ME? You're kidding, right?" I was just shy of dumbfounded. Was this actually happening to ME? We headed back to his place, and he helped me out of my corset (another job that I can't quite do by myself). I changed clothes, and we settled on his couch to continue the conversations we'd been having. We ended up snuggling, and...well, lets just say that I the next morning, I made just shy of a mad dash back to my place to shower, change, wrap Jack's birthday gift and get to his party (I was still about an hour late, but still - not bad!!).
We've been seeing each other since then. For the first month-ish, we were sort of feeling each other out, not trying to make things too serious, just in case it didn't quite work. So just before my birthday, we decided that yes, what we have here is a relationship. I was no longer single!! I was (and am) with somebody!!
We have our differences, but no major blowups. He's met my family, and they didn't scare him off. I've met his parents, and they seem to like me, too. :) One of my aunts told me after meeting him, "Karen, you found another you!" and for the most part, I believe she's right. We do have several things in common, and we both believe in similar things. He makes me very happy. He takes good care of me, without spoiling me rotten. He will tell me "No," but not make me feel bad about it. He actually LISTENS and PAYS ATTENTION. He doesn't have some hidden drug or alcohol problem. He has a good job, a good car, and a nice place to live. He likes to snuggle with me, he gives me a hard time when I try to carry too much stuff by myself, he can hold intelligent conversations, and is playful and twisted. He's wiped my tears away, and stops by my work for little visits. He treats me better than I've been treated in...I don't even know how long. He's the best thing that's happened to me in a long, long time. Is he The One? I'm not jumping the gun and saying yes or no. I'm not going to rush anything, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either. So we shall see. ;) <3
Hmm, let's see...what else...
Work. Work continues to be busy as shit. Last January, my boss announced a sales goal - he wanted to hit a million dollars by the end of the year. If we hit the goal, he'd take all of us to Las Vegas for a big conference, on his dime. Well, we hit that goal the beginning of December. We found out that our boss is giving us an option to NOT go to Vegas if we don't want to, and get money instead. I'm not a gambler, so I'm opting to not go, and take the money instead.
My nephews. Oh my Gods, my nephews. Matthew, that little squirt, was creeping at three months, and RUNNING by his first birthday in June. He is SUCH a boy - getting into everything, eating dead bugs out of the sliding door tracks and dog food out of Skippy's dish, in addition to eating just about anything else. Got lumps and bumps from crashing into stuff because of his running around. But he isn't talking. He's making plenty of noise, but not actually talking yet. Jack was talking before he walked, so we'll just wait it out. We found out that Jack has some hearing problems (he was having problems with mid-tones), and has gotten hearing aids He's doing much better. The boys are changing so fast, and still amaze me so much.
Other than that, things have turned around, and I'm actually the happiest I've been in a long, goddamned time.
And I deserve it.
- Current Location:Home...
- Current Mood: happy
Dear Powers that Be,
I get it. I get that I'm not meant to be in a relationship. I get that I'm not meant to have peace, or real happiness. I get that I'm not meant to have things go in good directions when it comes to me and my life. I'm supposed to be the observer, and watch others find happiness and peace and love in their lives, and I'm left to be hungry, no, more like starving for those things. I'm meant to ask for help in making things better AND GET IGNORED BY DAMNED NEAR EVERYONE I FUCKING KNOW. I hate being so damned miserable, but apparently, that's what is meant for me. I'm not good enough for ANYONE. I'm meant to find people that are wrong for me, that will use me, and hurt me, or mislead me and trick me into thinking that they actually gave a shit for and about me. I'm meant to be fucked over by so many people. I'm meant to cry myself to sleep and feel like I'm not hardly anything to anyone. I'm meant to be the butt of everyone's joke. I'm meant to be ignored when I'M the one who needs help. I'm meant to put on a mask and make people around me think that everything is peachy-keen and great and happy when it's not. I'm mean to be forgotten about. I'm meant to be invisible, and if I'm not around, no one will miss me, right?
If that what you have in store for me, stop stalling and take me, and end this shit. This is not a life. It's a sentence. I've had enough.
- Current Mood: exanimate
Loneliness always gets me. It always makes me think that I'm some kind of freak or something. I know I'm not a typical person, and I don't try or want to be. I don't think I'm ugly. I admit, I DO need help with some things. I suck at doing makeup, and I don't have a lot of fancy clothes. I've asked openly for help, and have gotten none, and that does not bode well. Sometimes I think about things I ought to change about me and see if THAT helps. Apart from my weight, sometimes I think that maybe if I drank or something. I don't know to do. I'm seeing people all around me getting into relationships, or getting engaged or married, and all I hear in my head is "What the hell is wrong with me???"
Someone tell me, please. What the HELL is wrong with me?
- Current Location:Home...
- Current Mood: sad
Didn't realize it'd been that long since I'd last posted. Sixteen weeks is a while. Thanks for the nudge, ladyskada !!
It's weird that I've left my LJ to become so dormant. I barely touch my MySpace anymore. *shrug*
Ok..so what's been happening....
Since my last post back in June, there's been some goings-on. The people I met at the comic con turned out to not be whom I thought they'd be. One wound up being more of a droning sod, and the other...*sigh*...the other. Where do I start...yeah, this ain't gonna be pretty.
I knew something would be weird with him the weekend my new nephew was born (more on that little cutie later!!). Since our birthdays were just a few days away, he wanted to cook me dinner for my birthday. He'd told me about a week or two before, and I had to explain to him at least twice that my sister was pretty much due any time, so that had me on Baby Alert, and we'd have to see how things went. Well, sure enough, my sister went on her due date, and I was at my sister's house all weekend. I didn't have a helluva lot of time to get myself packed up and ready to go back south. And as it were, I spent that week at someone else's house so I could get back and forth to work. Now, he'd started texting me again, and telling me how excited he was that he was gonna cook me dinner and get to see me and stuff. And he wanted me to see if I could spend the weekend at HIS place. Now, with the limited time I had to be home, and the things I needed to do, it just wasn't gonna happen. It wasn't intentional. Circumstances were just NOT gonna let it happen, at least at the time. So, it turned into asking a few times a week about getting together. And I'd made the mistake of showing him my Daffy Duck tattoo, and telling him which cartoon it was from. So he started texting me lines from the cartoon. All. The. Time. He'd shown up at my place at least 3 times unannounced, and two other times, he brought his 11 year old son with him, also unannounced. His son has ADHD...and HE has ADD, and they're both untreated. His son would be trying to get into things around my place, and want to use my PS2, or want to check out stuff online or whatnot. And his father, when he would sit, would rock back and forth. It made talking to him unsettling, then eventually, aggravating. I really started dreading him. When he'd show up here, I'd ignore him because I couldn't handle the rocking. He couldn't wrap his head around that I couldn't really do much over the weekends, since I had no way to get anywhere. When he'd be here, he'd hug me and feel me up. Or he'd keep texting me how much he missed me or how horny he was or try to be funny. I made the mistake of bringing him to a Dark Intentions event, and felt incredibly uncomfortable and kind of embarassed that he was there. I had no patience with him. He doesn't have a job, and no car OR drivers' license. I stopped returning his texts. I made the mistake of answering one when he'd asked if I wanted to go to one of the NHRD bouts and said maybe. He started up again with a couple more texts about wanting to get together on the weekends. I backed out of going to derby. I stopped returning his messages again. I'd had it out with him not long before that, on one of his unannounced visits, unloading on him about everything. I know it hurt him, but I had to tell him. Then a few weeks ago, he asked me if I was going to faire sometime, and if I was, could he go with me. I didn't answer him. I saw him yesterday when I was out, and he asked me again about faire. I told him I had no idea if I was even gonna make it to faire because money was so insanely tight. I'm sure he can be a really nice guy, but I just can't deal with his untreated ADD, and that he has no job, license, or car.
So anyways....my new nephew..My new nephew!! Oh Gods...he's so damned cute. He's almost 4 months old, and he's already rolling around and has two teeth. He's got some small health problems that he should outgrow - he has torticollis (wry neck) and plagiocephaly (flat skull) on one side of his head. But he's been in PT for a few weeks, and he may need a helmet for a while to help reshape his skull. He's such a beautiful baby, and Jack thinks Maffew (that's how he pronounces his name) is great, too, and that's what matters. :) I'm firmly convinced that between the two boys, they will figure out time travel. :)
Back in June, I met a woman at a party that was thrown by hazeleyedfae and her new hubby. She was another bbw, and rather cute, too. She flirted like crazy with me, and of course, I was half oblivious. I tend to be when someone flirts with me, because it happens so infrequently. We seemed to hit it off ok, but there were some things - she was out of work, and didn't have her license or a car (pattern here, what?). She lives down in Worcester. With the things as they were at the time (me without my license), it would make seeing each other difficult, so we agreed to take things lightly, and see how things go. Then she wound up having to move in with a friend, and is now sleeping on their couch. I've had her up here twice, with help from friends. THEN, I find out she got herself pregnant. She told me a couple of weeks ago about a dream she had where her and her lesbian lover would raise the child together. That completely weirded me out. I'm not one to be thrust into becoming a parent. And I really don't want to get into something where I would be the only one driving or doing the travelling. So now she's involved with someone else, and from what I figure, a guy. Nothing gained, nothing lost, really.
Wanting to be with someone who has AT LEAST a job, a place to live, a license, and a car is NOT unreasonable. I think those are pretty standard.
Ok...onward. I got my license back on September 21st., and I've been working even more since I got it back. Things are crazy busy at work, since my boss bought up the customer list from another EmbroidMe that had gone out of business. So now we've taken on new companies and new clients. It's only been about two weeks, but it feels like so much longer. I'm up early and in work early, and out late. I don't sleep worth shit, and I've become socially awkward over the last 9 months. Sleeping on friends' couches and not a helluva lot of social interaction does tend to do that, I guess. Hopefully things will get better, but it may take a while.
- Current Location:United States, New Hampshire, Manchester
- Current Mood: tired
Been a few months, and stuff's gone on. The biggest one at this time is that my sister had her baby tonight!! He was born at 6:40pm yesterday (6/12), and was 7lbs. 14oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long. His name is Matthew Gerald. I got to see him tonight, and got to hold him. He's perfect!! And Jack LOVES his new baby brother!!
Ok...I've moved, and still living in Manchester. I've moved into a one bedroom apartment that is WAY easy to get to. I'm mostly unpacked, but there's still a good amount in boxes, since I need a few things (like a bookcase, and I need a way to get the entertainment center from my sister's house) and I'm only home on weekends. Kinda puts a damper on things. But I'm in a good place, and I love it, so that's all that really matters, right? It's not a huge place, it's the right size for me, and I have a place for my stuff and Guido.
My license is still suspended, and I wound up having 3 more months tacked on, due to a ticket for following too close that I got just before my hearing in December. So instead of getting my license back in another week, I won't be getting it back until September. Royally fucks my summer, but it's my own fault. Now my problem is back to getting rides to and from work again. I've been staying in Nashua during the week, and even then, trying to find rides is starting to become a problem all over again. From January to the beginning of this month, Jared drove me back and forth to work. It had me going in really early (I was up at 20 after 4 in the morning, and was in at 5am) and getting out about 10 to 10 1/2 hours later. Fridays I got out early, which was great. But we'd originally agreed for him to drive me until my suspension was up. Once I had gotten the additional time tacked on, it would only be until the beginning of this month. So now I'm stuck again. I'm willing to pitch in for gas, and can be ready for whatever time I'd need to in order for the rides to be feasible. It hurts to think that with all of the things I've done for people over the years, that I'd have the kindness returned for a while, and by more people. Am I asking too much? I know it's a pretty big undertaking, and I'm willing to have different people drive me. I just need something that'll be consistent.
Oh, here's something - I went to a small comic convention a few weeks ago. I went in garb, and got in for free (not surprised). It was a VERY small con, but saw some really GOOD artists, and some folks from the 501st. Now, when I'm in garb, I'm used to being the flirt and talking to people, and getting stared at, and have pictures taken of me and all that. But I actually went home with the phone numbers of 2 guys - who asked me for mine first!! I played off the attention at first, because I know why they'd struck up conversation with me. Duh. I usually test the waters that way, since I'm used to random conversation like that. But these two guys are genuinely interested in me. They both call me, they both have been concerned with the whole thing with my rides (unfortunately, neither of them can help me). One of them, as my luck has it, is one day YOUNGER than me. Yup - his birthday is June 15th, 1971. So another Gemini III. Certain things about him remind me of me. I'm not used to having so much attention paid to me. Since my last serious relationship was about 4 years ago, I've kind of gotten used to being ignored, and looked over and whatnot, so this will take some getting used to. I'm trying to take things as slow as possible, and hopefully they'll have the patience for this.
Ok. This has taken me forever to write. My birthday is on Monday, and I'm not dreading the last year of my 30's. It's only a damned number. I still get carded, and have, rather constantly, been mistaken for being far younger than I am. So that's good.
Ok...gonna try to sleep, and fend off zombies tomorrow, since it IS BLITEOTW....
- Current Location:At my Seester's house
- Current Mood: indescribable
Changes are on the horizon again. More on that in a moment.
Teresa was finally taken care of, and NOT by Darrick. Found out that she did have a request that her remains be spread in the mountains, so hopefully, at some point this spring/summer, a hike will be planned, as will a celebration of her life. Things for the party had to be put on hold for a while, due to my circumstances. It's been difficult to try to do things when the only computer access I have is for a brief time at work, and when I'm home.
Since mid/late January, during the week (starting Sunday evenings), I've been staying at noturangel43's house, and coming home Friday afternoons. I've been getting rides to and from work from my friend Jared, and with it has been a schedule change. I've been getting into work for around 5am and getting out at or after 3. Fridays I get out earlier so I can head back to Manchester and have a bit more time at home. I'm unbelieveably grateful to Angel for letting me stay, and for Jared for carting my sorry ass back and forth to work. And for Nigel and evileric1971 for getting me back and forth from Manchester.
A few weeks ago, we our Chocolate Invasion. Compared to last year, this year's gathering was tiny - only 10 of us, including a month old baby. But it was a good time, and we pretty much ate ourselves silly. We even had some newbies, and some new friendships were made. I love when things like that happen. We had some great laughs, and a beautiful day to boot.
Now onto bigger stuff.
After just about 11 months, I'm moving again. The lease here is up the end of April, and the rent is going up anyways. And I've had enough of tolerating the roommates. Jen's pregnancy has given her another reason to do less around here than she already does, and Eric just doesn't do ANYTHING. Now, I don't doubt that pregnancy is not an easy thing. I understand that. But when you work part time, and you don't do ANYTHING when you ARE home, then no, it's not entirely from your pregnancy. You. Are. Fucking. LAZY. Because of what's going on with me, I've been working at least 50 hours a week. Then I get home, and I get to wash dishes THAT I DIDN'T USE, and clean up the kitchen and the bathroom (which gets REALLY disgusting, let me tell ya)?!?!?!? Yeah, no, I don't fucking think so. You both are fucking lazy. Now, mind you, I am no neat freak. My room is a mess, and was even before all this stuff with my license. I have clutter, and most of my possessions are in my room. But I don't have empty soda and rum bottles, and fast food bags, and dirty plates/bowls/cups in my room all over the floor, mixed with various dirty clothes. I haven't loaded the sink with dirty dishes, glasses, silverware, and various cooking utensils from the past week, and left the stovetop and counter absolutely DISGUSTING, and the floor with bits of food or whatever. And I won't get into describing the bathroom. But all I'm gonna say is this - Clorox bleach, and cleaners with bleach are my friends. The smell of the cleaners bother them, but you know what? Fuck 'em. I'd rather smell that then what it's been known to smell like. And I've finally gotten tired of it. I've gotten tired of "I can't clean MY dishes because you haven't cleaned YOURS" and that's between the two of them!! Oh, for fuck's sake - just clean them, and I mean CLEAN them so that they're not slimy/greasy feeling. These two can barely take care of themselves, and they're gonna have a kid. I am SCARED for this child.
Anyways...the apartment I've found is a one bedroom, and it's a real one bedroom - NOT a studio. It's not a huge place, but it's not tiny, either. The only thing tiny is the bathroom, but that's ok. I'm not one to spend a lot of time in there anyways. The apartment is still in Manchester, and quite frankly, I really like it in this city. Yes, moving to Nashua is more sensible, but for what my rent will be ($575/mo), I wouldn't be able to find that in Nashua, and I definitely don't want to wind up on the tree streets. The only utilities I'll have to cover is electricity and cable, and that'll be ok. My only thing is that my soon-to-be landlord wants me to be moved in by April 1st. I've explained to him the whole deal with my license, and he was really understanding, so he's giving me til the 2nd-3rd to be moved in. So that pretty much leaves me with next weekend to be packed up (or at least MOSTLY packed), and the weekend after, move. So yeah, I'll have a challenge on my hands, but I think it'll work out fine. And if anyone can lend a hand next weekend with packing, and/or the weekend of the move, it'd be great.
Ok...enough venting and such. I need to try to sleep.
- Current Location:In front of my computer...
- Current Mood: tired
Any and all help would be appreciated!!
- Current Location:In front of my computer...
- Current Mood: distressed
No idea what's happened with Teresa. No word from Darrick, nor from anyone else who may know anything. Not pleased. I've hated how Darrick's been handling things. I understand that between his trying to find a place for him, his girl and their kid to live and trying to have Teresa properly taken care of are HUGE tasks in and of themselves, and having to deal with both situations together is insane. He should have been asking for more help when it came to getting Teresa taken care of. And don't get me started on Tookie. He's become a waste, too. I've hated the fact that I'm not in the loop AND that legally I CAN'T do anything. I'm taking Teresa's death and the handling of her final arrangements a bit more to heart than some people probably think I should, and honestly, I have every right to. I am why she came to New Hampshire in the first place. It was through our relationship that she met most of the crowd. I'm glad she stayed up here after we broke up. She met a lot of good people, and I'm grateful for the time we had with her. Despite Darrick and Tookie failing in stepping up and doing the right things, there WILL be a celebration of her life, and it will be held at the Derry House sometime in February. Date and time will be forthcoming. Early HUGE thank yous to redpoppies and Brian for letting me do this.
Dad's birthday, and the 3rd anniversary of his passing, have come and gone. It doesn't feel like three years.
Had my license suspended again. This time, the other 45 days that were held over my head from my last suspension were applied, and also got 180 days for too many points against my license. Luckily(?), the suspensions are running concurrently. The suspension started on the Winter Solstice, and I'll get it back on the Summer Solstice. So far, I've been fortunate enough to be getting rides mostly from Nigel and from evileric1971. I know I can't keep that up for the entire duration, nor can they. I don't know what else to do yet, but I'm incredibly grateful for them getting me back and forth.
Found out from my boss at our little Christmas Eve eve work party about how we did the past year, or at least from January to October. Now, mind you, there are approximately 427 EmbroidMe stores around the world. For the time from January to October, the store I work at was number 4 for sales for the year, and for October alone, we were number 2, with a store in Australia being the only one ahead of us. Not too shabby, considering I was the one doing the majority of the work in our shop!! The long hours (pulling anywhere between 11- to 14-hour days, not including the commute) and crazy weeks have been worth it. Now with the holidays finally over, things have started to noticeably slow down, even though there's still plenty of work. Not so much as to warrant crazy long days still, but that's ok - I can use a bit of a break. I'll miss the healthy paychecks for a bit, too. Maybe I'll be able to get back in touch with people a bit.
Christmas was spent at my Seester's, and she was still up before everone - including Jack!! She finds out on Monday if she's having a boy or a girl. She's hoping for a girl. :) Oh yeah, she's pregnant...lol Her due date is mid-June-ish...which is right around 2 wedding anniversaries, MY birthday, my mom's birthday, a cousin's birthday...We're hoping for June 12th or 16th, so the baby'll have their own day (although I wouldn't complain about sharing my birthday with a new niece or nephew!!).
Rang in 2010 at raynemoonfyre's, with her hubby, and friends, including squeaks4469, clodappleleft (YAAAY!!), and dreddy_reddy and Lord Rhuff. We invaded the Mall of NH on New Year's day, and I was able to start off the new year with smiles and laughter.
Let's see...what else...Oh yeah.
Had two friends recently decide they no longer wanted to be friends with me because of some things that I've said on Facebook. Now, I'm not here for some popularity contest, and I certainly don't expect everyone to like what I say. But getting "Yes this is a public forum. Yes you have every right to write what ever you want to. I just don't agree with some things that you say." with no explanation as to what I may have said wrong according to them is messed up. I've said LOTS of things, and granted they're MY opinion, and I know that I don't always follow the status quo. I LIKE the fact that I don't. I've never looked at everything the same way other people do. I may not feel bad about something or someone or some situation, and I'm quite sure that not everyone feels bad for me, either, and that's ok. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, too. Diversity is a Good Thing™. But if there's something I've said that's bothered someone THAT much, I'd like to think that they'd be a BIT more specific.
So, to that end, to talia_dechoros and soulsquietvoice, if it was something about Teresa, or my opinions about Darrick's handling of Teresa that put you off, or even if that wasn't why, the LEAST you two could have done would have been to TALK TO ME. And since you can't, or won't, and you two want to up and toss out this many years of friendship, then CJ, good luck on your tour overseas, and I hope you come back safely. Peter, never in my life did I think you'd up and walk away without even so much as a goodbye. But I will let you both know about the party that will be held for Teresa, since the party will be about HER, not me, nor you two.
Ok...it's 10 after 4 in the morning. It's taken me most of the night to write this, and there's more I want to type, but I'm not sure how to put things into the right words yet. So with that, I say good night.
- Current Location:In front of my computer...
- Current Mood: blank